Mourning and My Adult Self (Or Lack Of)


I know I keep making posts about why I am not making posts, and I promise this will stop….after this one. So, recently a co worker/ friend of mine passed away. It’s been a week now and I still find myself grasping to make sense of it all.  Then I find myself asking, “when does my adult self kick in?” I was not, and still am not, prepared to handle loss. I know that sounds vague and naive, but I am not. Somehow, I thought that if and when this moment ever came, it was way too soon I might add, that I would dig down to the bottom of my soul and pull out some maturity wrapped up in insightful quotes and become a shoulder to cry on and the go to person with the comforting words that always knows just the right thing to say.  All that has happened so far, was that I dug deep down to the bottom of my soul and cried, subconciously thinking that if I cried enough, or prayed hard enough, or said sorry, or wished it not so,that my tears and sincerity and wishes would reverse everything and I would see him again, smiling his charming, lopsided smile. Somehow, if I cried harder and louder than La Llorona herself, I would walk into the break room and see his backpack with his name embroidered on the top of it, sitting on the floor next to the vending machine, and he would be there and everything would be okay. I would hear the squeak of his black sneakers on the linoleum floor and watch the light glint off his gold chain, just before he tucked it into his shirt, and make a joke before we head out to the sales floor.  I know that this is impossible now, but when does this hurt less? When does adulthood kick in and remind myself that these are fantasies? How am I almost 30 and unable to deal with this?

I know this is meant to be a book blog, but this has been weighing heavily on my heart and I had to get it out. Even if no one has the answers to these questions, at least I asked them. With that, I bid you adieu, and I will get back to the book reviews shortly. I am actually reading faster than I am making reviews, which is weird, but nothing seems to make sense anyways. Thanks for reading! Any questions, comments, words of advice, etc leave them down below.  P.S. Sorry for the emo tone, I didn’t mean to be such a Debbie Downer.